Stuckness is a shared human experience that touches individuals, organisations, and even entire societies and countries. It’s the uncomfortable state where we find ourselves disconnected, out of step with our current context, and unable to move forward. 

 

Yet, while it can be profoundly frustrating, stuckness holds the potential for deep transformation. 

 

“When we get stuck, it’s always a relationship issue – a relationship between ourselves and someone else, or between ourselves and our context, or between aspects of ourselves (we might be stuck in a rigid identity). We get stuck when our inner worlds are at odds with our context.” – Dr Julia Kukard. 

 

In this article, Dr Julia Kukard of Aephoria explains the nuance and power of stuckness, which she discusses in more detail in her upcoming book: The Art and Joy of Stuckness for Coaches and their Clients.

The Duality of Stuckness: Pain and Opportunity 

Stuckness is a paradoxical state, embodying both discomfort and potential. On one side lies pain – frustration, isolation, and the erosion of self-esteem. Yet, on the other side lies opportunity – a chance to process the past, adapt to the present, and shape a more meaningful future. The duality of stuckness makes it both a burden and a gift, depending on how it is approached.

 

At the heart of this exploration, says Dr Julia Kukard, is the pursuit of inner freedom. Though often uncomfortable, stuckness is a necessary part of healing and growth. It prompts us to confront unresolved wounds and disconnected relationships, guiding us toward a deeper understanding of ourselves and how we can contribute to the world.

 

As coaches, it is our joy and privilege to help clients move from stuckness to fluidity. 

The Burdens of Stuckness

 

• Emotional toll: Stuckness often damages self-esteem, fostering frustration, anger, and isolation. People may feel trapped in patterns of behaviour that no longer serve them, compounding their sense of disconnection.

 

• Functional impact: Stuckness affects productivity and overall satisfaction in life and work. Defensive behaviours emerge as people cling to old ways of being that feel safe but fail to meet the demands of new contexts. These patterns not only impede personal growth, but can also destabilise relationships and disrupt organisational performance.

The Opportunities of Stuckness

 

• Redemption: Stuckness offers a unique opportunity for redemption – an act of processing our past to create space for our future. Old wounds and incomplete experiences resurface in this state, demanding attention and healing.  By facing these incomplete aspects of our lives, we can begin to understand how they have shaped us and actively chart a path toward resolution.

 

• Self-discovery: As we examine the logic of our wounds and the defensive behaviours they inspire, we start to reconnect with parts of ourselves that may have been suppressed or discarded. This journey enables us to rediscover capacities we didn’t realise we had.

 

• Maturational shifts: Stuckness is often a precursor to maturational shifts. These periods of significant growth that change how we understand ourselves and the world. These shifts may involve re-evaluating our priorities, reimagining our relationships, or redefining the meaning and purpose of our lives.

The Cycle of Stuckness (CoS)

The Cycle of Stuckness (CoS) offers a framework for understanding the process of becoming stuck, navigating through it, and emerging on the other side with renewed purpose and connection. It highlights the intertwined nature of wounding, disengagement, and renewal.

 

“The Cycle of Stuckness is very much like other learning cycles. The biological and existential driver behind this is to enable us to  learn, grow, and  heal from whatever in our history is incomplete and unintegrated.” – Dr Julia Kukard.

Part One: Incomplete Wounding and Salient Context

Every individual carries unresolved emotional, psychological, or relational wounds from past experiences. These “incomplete wounds” cycle through life, seeking contexts in which they can resurface and potentially heal. When a new situation mirrors aspects of the original wounding, it can awaken these unresolved issues, compelling individuals to relive the pain and react from that wounded place.

 

Consider the example of Pete.  Pete found a street drug that temporarily made him feel better, allowing him to avoid facing earlier trauma. His addiction provided a context for the resurfacing of his wounds, though it also entrapped him further. 

 

Or consider Adelia. Similarly, Adelia’s upbringing in a family that demanded compliance and perfectionism laid the groundwork for her later struggles in the rigid corporate culture of banking. 

 

Both examples illustrate the first step in the Cycle of Stuckness. 

Part Two: Disengagement and Defensive Behaviours

In this second stage, individuals begin to disconnect from the full spectrum of self and narrow down their identity to an historical identity. As defensive behaviours emerge to protect the wounded self, we begin to live life through the lens of the wound rather than engaging with the present context. This can manifest as repetitive behaviours that were once adaptive but are no longer relevant or effective.

 

For Pete, addiction became his defensive behaviour, narrowing his sense of self to that of an addict and isolating him from meaningful relationships. Adelia, on the other hand, doubled down on perfectionism and compliance, becoming pedantic and robotic in her work. These behaviours, though rooted in past wounds, further disconnected her from others and from finding purpose in her life.

Part Three: Developmental Impasse and Frustration

This is the stage of being truly stuck where no learning is possible (developmental impasse). Individuals experience intense frustration, confusion, and a sense of lostness, unable to see a way forward. Without clarity about what is wrong or how to change, they feel trapped in a repeating cycle of defensive behaviours that no longer serve them.

 

Pete’s addiction spiralled, leading to the loss of his home and relationships, leaving him angry and directionless. Adelia, facing isolation and professional stagnation, retaliated against her organisation by stealing time and stationery – a desperate, destructive act that further alienated her from colleagues (and a behaviour all too common in organisations, notes Dr Kukard). 

 

Both individuals were deeply entrenched in their developmental impasses. Both were unable to break free from their cycles of pain.

Part Four: Release Through Grief and Rebuilding

The turning point in the Cycle of Stuckness comes through release – processing grief, anger, and shame to rebuild one’s relationships with self, others, and meaning. This stage often requires support, such as coaching or therapy, to help individuals navigate these complex emotions and reconnect with lost parts of themselves.

 

“When we start grieving, we can soften around getting stuck, this means we can work around it and not experience stuckness as a dead end.” – Dr Julia Kukard.

 

Back to Pete. He entered an addiction programme, where he worked through the shame and grief of his past. Gradually, he could rebuild his sense of self and form healthier relationships.  Adelia, with the help of a coach, expressed her anger and processed the grief of unlived lives and unfulfilled potential. Both began to reclaim their sense of self and meaning, moving toward renewal.

Part Five: Fluidity and Adaptation

In this final stage, individuals regain their capacity for fluidity. They reconnect with their full selves, building authentic relationships and aligning with a meaningful direction in life. They become more adaptable and interactive with their contexts. As a result, performance and life satisfaction increase.

 

When we are in a state of fluidity, we “dance” with our context (not outside of it). This further supports our growth, and enables us to continually recalibrate our relationship with our selves, others. and meaning (like Pete and Adelia). Life becomes easier and more satisfying when we are fluid. However, fluidity is not a permanent state, as new cycles of stuckness will arise. 

 

Pete found a job and formed new relationships outside addiction cycles, taking responsibility for his life. Yet, when a romantic relationship triggered his earlier wounds, he had to confront them anew, showing how cycles of healing and growth are ongoing. 

 

Adelia’s renewed sense of self led her to become a coach and rebuild her career, but she, too, recognised lingering triggers tied to her original wounds.

 

By embracing stuckness as part of a natural cycle, we can learn to navigate its challenges with grace, viewing it as a gateway to renewal and growth.

Coaching Strategies for Stuckness

Coaching using the Cycle of Stuckness focuses on rebuilding relationship to self, others, and meaning. 

Relationship with Self: Building a full self

We need a full and broad sense of self to keep growing and learning. When we have a narrow self, with few identities, we can struggle to respond in an agile way to the world. When we get stuck, our narrow identity sediments and we lose access to the person we could become. We lose our capacity to emerge and grow. The job of the coach in this situation is to help your client broaden their identity and strengthen their inner world so that they can adapt and grow and find direction in their life. 

 

Coaching can help clients reconnect with forgotten or discarded parts of themselves and experiment with new ways of being. 

 

In the case of Adelia, her coach helped her rebuild her relationship with herself by connecting her with emotions she had suppressed for years. Through this process, she rediscovered softer, more authentic parts of herself, broadening her sense of identity beyond the rigid compliance of her past.

 

Coaches can adopt the following approaches to help clients reconnect with their full selves:

 

• Encourage somatic and mindfulness work to deepen self-awareness.

 

• Guide clients to reflect on suppressed aspects of their identity, such as creativity, playfulness, or emotional vulnerability.

 

• Support the exploration of new identities through small, manageable experiments.

Relationship with Others: Building engaged connections 

Others humanise us,  help us define ourselves, and enable our learning. However we need engaged relationships to enable this. Isolation often compounds the pain of stuckness because we lose critical sources of learning and growth. Coaching can encourage clients to form and sustain meaningful, engaged relationships that provide both support and accountability.

 

Strategies for this include:

 

• Helping clients navigate the balance between being-for-self and being-for-others.

 

• Cultivating relational skills, such as active listening, setting boundaries, and demonstrating kindness and authenticity.

 

• Exploring how to “get into” others by understanding their needs and perspectives. 
• Becoming less entitled about what we “deserve” from others.

Relationship with Meaning: Building real meaning across a life

Meaning provides courage and direction in our lives. Without this we will struggle to create a satisfying life. As coaches, we can help clients create meaning by identifying real sources of meaning, distributing meaning across their lives (work, home etc) and understanding how it shifts across different life stages.

 

Key strategies include:

 

• Exploring transpersonal meaning – contributing to something larger than oneself, such as uplifting others or creating positive change.

 

• Encouraging clients to avoid “doughnut” lives where only one area (e.g., work or material success) holds meaning, leaving other areas empty.

 

• Helping clients realign their sense of purpose to reflect their current stage of life, rather than clinging to outdated meaning.

Working Through Emotions: Anger, Shame, and Grief

Stuckness often brings a flood of challenging emotions that can either hinder or propel growth. Coaching provides a framework for clients to confront and work through these emotions, rather than being controlled by them.

 

• Anger and pain: Encourage clients to use these emotions constructively, such as setting boundaries or taking actionable steps.

 

• Shame: Help clients release shame tied to past wounds, reframing it as something to work through or around, rather than an anchor to the past.

 

• Grief: Celebrate grief as a sign of readiness for change. By mourning lost opportunities or unlived lives, clients can chip away at their resistance to growth and finally move forward.

Celebrating Progress and Healing Wounds

One of the most transformative aspects of coaching through stuckness is recognising and celebrating progress. Every step, from acknowledging emotions to taking small actions, is a victory that builds momentum for further growth.

 

• Acknowledge when clients begin to release old wounds and embrace new possibilities.

 

• Celebrate moments of grief as breakthroughs rather than setbacks. 
• Use joy and play to experiment with new versions of self.

 

• Reinforce the cyclical nature of stuckness, helping clients see each phase of the journey as part of a larger pattern of growth and renewal.

Polarities and Tensions in Coaching

Coaching through stuckness often requires navigating the inherent polarities that define the human experience. Dr Julia Kukard urges coaches to recognise these tensions in order to guide clients in embracing both sides of the spectrum.

 

“When coaching with a cycle of stuckness, you’ve got to manage both sides of these apparent polarities. For example, you must support your client to have a stable inner world while growing, learning, and being emergent.” – Dr Julia Kukard.

1. Stability vs Emergence

One of the most fundamental tensions in coaching is the balance between stability – the groundedness that provides a sense of safety – and emergence, the fluid and evolving aspects of self that drive growth and change.

 

Clients often cling to stable identities, habits, or beliefs that feel safe but may keep them stuck. Stability offers predictability but can limit adaptability when overemphasised.

 

Conversely, emergence involves stepping into the unknown, experimenting with new ways of being, and embracing uncertainty. This is where growth and transformation occur, but it requires courage and resilience.

 

How coaches can respond:

 

• Coaches can help clients develop a stable inner world – a foundation of self-awareness and confidence – while encouraging them to explore emergent aspects of their identity and life. For example, Pete needed the stability of addiction recovery programmes to build a safe foundation, but his growth also depended on embracing the uncertainties of forming new relationships and reshaping his life.

2. Being-for-Self vs Being-for-Others

Another key polarity is the tension between self-focus and relational focus. Being for self involves prioritising one’s own needs, desires, and boundaries. It is essential for self-preservation and autonomy but, if taken to the extreme, can lead to isolation and narcissism.

 

Being for others entails cultivating relationships and contributing to others’ well-being. It fosters connection and meaning but can lead to self-sacrifice or burnout if overemphasised.

 

How coaches can respond:

 

• Coaching can help clients strike a healthy balance by encouraging them to honour their own needs while fostering authentic and engaged relationships. Adelia’s journey illustrates this balance – she learned to connect with others in meaningful ways while maintaining her autonomy, enabling her to move beyond the rigid compliance of her past.

3. Meaningful Growth vs the Absurdity of Life

The search for meaning is central to the human experience, but it often coexists with the existential recognition that life can feel absurd.

 

Meaningful growth is when clients seek purpose, direction, and fulfilment in their lives. This pursuit provides energy and focus, helping them navigate transitions and challenges.

 

At times, clients must also confront the reality that life doesn’t always have inherent meaning, which can create discomfort or existential anxiety. Embracing this tension allows individuals to find freedom in creating their own meaning.

 

How coaches can respond: 

 

• Coaches can guide clients in constructing a purpose that resonates with their values and life stage, while also helping them accept the fluid and sometimes unpredictable nature of meaning. For example, Pete found transpersonal meaning by building relationships and taking responsibility for his life, even when facing new challenges that reactivated old wounds.

 

Curious about stuckness and hungry to learn more? We encourage you to read How to Help Your Clients Overcome Stuckness. 

 

For a deeper, more comprehensive look at this fascinating, preorder Dr Julia Kukard’s upcoming book – now available on Amazon. Tag us on LinkedIn with your thoughts, or email us directly! We’d love to hear from you.  

Preorder The Art and Joy of Stuckness for Coaches and their Clients

This book offers an existential understanding of the process of stuckness, exploring how we can soften stuckness and become more fluid in our work and world. Based on the

author’s doctoral research and extensive experience as a coach and coach trainer

globally, this book is valuable to coaches, therapists, and human development

Practitioners.

 

“Kukard does two astonishing things with this book: first, she takes something we hate

(stuckness) and makes it our generative friend, and second, she tells us how to move

through stuckness to fluidity. The combination will help anyone who has ever tried to get

themselves or someone else unstuck. A groundbreaking and helpful book!” – Dr. Jennifer Garvey Berger, CEO of Cultivating Leadership, author of Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps.

 

Preorder on Amazon.

 

Preorder on Routledge. 

 

If you are in South Africa, you can also buy directly from Aephoria with the Author’s discount of 20% + postage. If you would like to do this, please email Razaan Grainger on razaan@aephoria.co.za. 

About Dr Julia Kukard

With 30+ years in learning and development, Dr. Julia Kukard has worked globally with multinationals, governments, and NGOs. Her expertise spans coaching, psycho-education, and psychotherapy, helping individuals and groups thrive.

 

Julia holds degrees in Art History and Psychology, an MBA from UCT, and a Doctorate in Existential Psychotherapy from Middlesex University, UK. She has co-taught leadership on the UCT GSB MBA and co-authored a book on steward leadership. She is publishing her first solo book on Stuckness in December 2024.

 

Connect with Julia.

 

Artwork by Peter van Straten